Love a lads perspective

Fail Fail and Fail Better - Quote

Ok so I am a bit upset today. My ex had been getting messages from some guy at her uni for god knows how long trying to get her into bed. Finally she decided.

So she tells me tryin to see some reaction but I'm back to ice cold again, 9 months is a long time. To give her her due shes honest, even told the guy shes seeing (Mr. Rebound). Apparently he didn't take it as well. But it all helps...all of this it helps to get over the love. I will always have love for her I just don't think I love her anymore. Damn I said it I don't love her anymore. Hmmm I could just be trying to convince myself who knows. But I have been feeling this way for a while and as they say time is a healer.

ON ANOTHER NOTE OR SHOULD I SAY GRIPE

Y are there no longer any expectations for the modern woman?

I know I sound like I am bitching but who can tell me what the modern expectations for a woman are.

This is what I FEEL they are for men:

1. Be more romantic
2. Be more sensitive
3. Be more affectionate
4. Groom more, cook more, roses roses roses lol
5. Understand the monthly cycle
6. ... let me stop here GUYS HELP ME OUT TOO

Ladies this is why I say this because the modern man can't:

1. Can't expect her to cook meals
2. Can't expect her to pay else he is a cheap b**
3. Can't expect her to ... hmm let me stop here and leave it open.

From the Bitcha

"Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” Mahatma Gandhi

I wanna write I just wanna write something. I don’t care what I write just so long as I can’t get this sad feeling off my chest.

I just lost football. Don’t be confused its more than that. OK I didn’t lose I drew but I play sport to rid my emotions. If I win I am fine for a week. If I lose I am devastated but we drew… same difference.

I gotta get things in perspective. I am confused three women whom I like can’t make a choice don’t want too. To be honest I wouldn’t mind being alone. But being alone is a scary place.

My ex refuses to be alone right now, so she has a doormat in too fill that gap… a rebound. Not that he couldn’t be the one for her but I know that he aint the one. I want to be the one but I just don’t think it can work. Fire and Fire just doesn’t work he’s water he’s what she needs.

All that work I put in to get her to be independent by spending nights alone with me by the phone for times of loneliness but prepping her non the less for being an independent woman and now hes more or less there every night.

Down the drain.

I feel for her. Until you do what I do you have never really recovered from love. ALONE TIME. That’s what every1 needs after a relationship.

Damn its been 6 months and I still aint over her. Love what a bitch. I’m so messed up I am typing at 12 at night … to myself. Powerful love is.

Footprints Footprints me and my God that’s all I need.

Maybe I am just hurting cos someone else it there not me. Maybe. But I still know whats best. Avoid the rebound that’s y I’m on a phone diet. Avoiding every1.

She was the one. Maybe not at the end the connection was lost. Too much baggage to carry for too long a journey.

It’s a pity because she is laying the foundation for insecurities with her new man by talking about me. She’ll learn. I did. Never talk about the past it only brings the dirt into the present.

I drew conclusion on one thing today. Tell me if I am wrong.

In a relationship be it big all small… we all want to tell the truth but if whatever it is … if we feel we could lose that person we usually if not always choose to avoid that truth.

Back to writing my blog again.

I always drop in when I’m feeling low or I’ve got time on my hands.

How do you close a chapter in your life when you’re not ready? There is no way I suppose. Sometimes in life you have to put feelings aside. I have to accept that this is that time.

Its very hard to remove yourself emotionally sometimes. But I am working at it. Funny how writing can be so therapeutic listening to U2 is helping too. Blogs are great man just write whatever you want jibba jabba jobba see!!!

I am a man now reaching that stage in his life looking for completion. Got a good job two degrees and a good friends circle. Just two more things make that three the third being more long term.

1. House within a year
2. Girlfriend aka wifey after 1
3. Kids a lil mini mi or a beautiful girl I can spoil rotten

I’m ready, shhh don’t tell no one lol

Love… In the last six months I have realised how devastating love can be.

Am I a fan? Hell no!

But if I haven’t dealt with the pain of losing love am I a closet fan? I just don’t know.

My girlfriend whoops lol EX wrote a poem for my birthday a long time ago. “Are you ready for love because I am ready?”. In hindsight I think she was ready in heart but not in mind. As for me I was neither. But what this girl did was truly amazing she forced me to open up my heart to love. I still can’t say if I am 100% sure that was a good thing. Because as much as the joy is priceless, the pain is enduring and in my opinion more consuming. But does this mean I don’t want love in my life? Well … know.

Its like a drug you see, Heroina… the love drug. Drugs aren’t necessarily good for you however. That was my conclusion and the reason I am currently out of a relationship. But I am an addict for this love so what to do.

I have seen a lot of people devastated by love and judging by the tunes I hear on the radio there are a lot more “devastatees” too. As a mathematician I look at the stats. On average I reckon people go through at least 4 or 5 say 5 serious relationships before they settle down with THE ONE. Now in the UK roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. Add to that a speculative figure that at least 40% of the remaining marriages that don’t end in divorce are unhappy ones (come on we can all see those ropy couples) that means each relationship you engage in has a 4% chance of really ending in a completely happy relationship.

OK I know that figure is biased based on my pessimism but we can all agree that there is some element of truth in this hypothesis.

But I have become a true romantic as a result of one encounter with love. Have you found your 4%? One in twenty five chance I say. F*ck it! If you’re a sucker for love who cares ay, lets keep searching?

Find it and never let it go

QUOTE OF THE DAY: I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. - Gilda Radner

Life a pure roller coaster. I am 27 have never been in so many minds all at one time. Where do I start well this week my Gran died to add to my already emotional state. I know there will be tears on the Monday (her funeral) but the African way is rather to look at it as a celebration of her life. After all she had a great life huge family and was well cared for all the way up until she chose to leave this earth. She had a good innings one might say!

It’s funny how life is huh? Signs, Gut instincts, chance meetings, past returning to present, everything happening for a reason.

Signs
The week b4 Gran passed Mum and I were at her care home with family to make her comfortable in this new environment. She tried to say something to us but can no longer process speech properly. All she could muster was “Barbara”. This could be one of two people her Sister (RIP) or her daughter, my Mum’s twin sister (RIP). If ever you wanted a SIGN this was it. In my eyes and Mums Gran was ready to leave, maybe Angel Barbara was there telling her it was time. She passed the next week, rest in peace Gran L

Gut Instinct
But God always dishes good and bad out in doses. Although still broken up with passed girlfriend I am still there for her as protector/mentor/boyfriend minus the physical whatever you wanna call it. I just can’t let her go and neither can she … see new Ne-Yo to get an idea how I’m feeling. Don’t worry still won’t go back I still know it aint right. However I’m straying off the point. To keep it short I supported her all the way through uni and she’s just got her first acting contract today boy I’m so happy for her. I had a GUT feeling she was going to be successful that was about four years ago when she first did her audition-for-college-practice in my bedroom. I was mesmerised, couldn’t take my eyes off her WOW!

Chance meetings
I go out on New Year meet a girl one of many at the time, but this girl is mature 3 years my elder and it works. We go for a drink and hit it off. But I don’t want to go in a relationship I know I am not ready. But I meet once a week and get a text everyday… aint that a bit too close to what I am trying to avoid. That night I chose to go out based on the theory any girl without their man on new years is 99% definitely single, so I put in work. More CHANCE and another roll of the dice.

Past returning to present
A girl I met in the PAST, 5 years ago comes to London for a holiday from Italy. We spend a great Valentines week together and there is a chance she might return in the summer. Again it works. Thanks to MSN for keeping peeps in touch.

Everything happening for a reason
So has this all happened for a reason who knows? In the space of a couple months I have met these two new great women but my heart (not my body) remain with my Ex. Throw on top of that a death in the family and what do you get but a slightly emotional young man.

Gosh I am confused…
“Am I in too deep with the New Year’s girl?”
“Should I give the foreign girl a chance?”
“Do I still want my ex?”
“Or does it hurt me to let her go after putting in so much to see her finally realise her success without me by her side?”
“Am I suppressing my hurt for Gran?”

All I can say is it’s a great learning experience and as long as I’ve got good music then I can channel all emotions that come my way.

In God we trust he’ll take me where I am supposed to go. ONE

Tip of the day: Without trust what do you have really? But remember a lie does not make someone one untrustworthy, keep things in perspective. Have you ever fibbed?

Now I have never been one to go down someone’s mobile phone but in my last relationship on one occasion I was guilty. Why did I do it because I picked up a scent and having played the game the way I have I was adamant I would find something and I did. Who knows maybe she wanted me to find something. I trusted her not to be stupid and waste what we had but I didn’t trust her not to entertain men’s interest. If I recall I confronted her first and then went about finding evidence later as I just didn’t believe her excuse.

Rule #1 If you go down your partners phone the chances are you are more likely to find something than not.

This doesn’t mean the person is untrustworthy a rat etc. it just means you’ve found something that may appear worse than it is or was kept personal because that’s just what it was.

I mean come on how many people at some point have had a text message or a missed call from someone in the past that they choose to keep in the past? Does this mean you’re dishonest? Ultimately if you really distrust someone that much you shouldn’t really be with him or her. Secondly by going through their phone you have opened it up two ways.

The fact is this new technology has brought us a whole added complexity. Personal messages for you only are now accessible to other people whom they weren’t meant for. The mobile phone was the final “nokia on the camels back” for me. Although I did not cheat I had an old flame under a different name call it an ex-player hanging on to the past. With an already failing relationship and trust threadbare this did nothing to enhance trust values. So we parted ways, thanks mobi!

Ultimately you could be Colombo and someone could still be untrustworthy. The best thing to do is let it go and trust 100%, easier said than done I know but a lot easier to live with than doubting all the time.

Quote of the day: Don’t let your heart and mind stay at war
Carl Thomas - Rebound

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience!"

To day I was cleaning out the closet but I mean literally “cleaning” and I came across a lil something I wrote a couple of years ago to get things off my chest. I think it summarises well how I feel about being in a relationship.

“So how do I feel?
Good question … I’m not sure, I can’t tell! I feel emotion I haven’t felt before.

But is love really what I want?”